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BATTLE OF TRAFALGAR–2024
It is more than 200 years since Lord Nelson’s famous victory against the French and Spanish at Trafalgar.
Imagine the battle took place now, in Kier’s New Britain:-
“Order the signal to be sent,Hardy.”
“Aye,aye Sir.”
“Hold on, that’s not what I dictated to the Signal Officer.”
“New regulations,Sir.”
“England expects every man to do his duty regardless of race, colour, creed,or physical disability-what sort of gobblededook is that Hardy?”
“Admiralty policy,Sir.We’re an equal opportunities employer now”
“Good God,Hardy-hand me my pipe and tobacco.”
“Sorry Sir.All Naval vessels are now designated smoke-free zones.”
“In that case,Hardy,break open the rum rations.Lets splice the main brace to steel the men before battle.”
“The rum ration has been abolished Sir.Part of the Government’s policy on binge-drinking.”
“Good Lord.Lets get on with it.Full speed ahead.”
“Sorry Sir.There’s a 4-knot speed limit on this stretch of water.”
“Dammit,man.We are on the eve of our greatest ever sea battle. Report from the crows-nest please.”
“Not possible Sir.Health & Safety have closed the crows-nest due to lack of harnesses and safety helmets.”
“Then send me the ships carpenter.”
“I’m afraid he’s busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the foredeck Sir.”
“Whatever next.Break out the cannon, and tell the men to engage the enemy.”
“Sorry Sir.The men are very concerned about actually killing anyone.There’s a couple of legal aid lawyers on board watching them like hawks.”
“Then how are we supposed to sink the damn Frenchies and Spaniards?”
“We’re not Sir.They are our European partners now, and according to the Common fisheries policy, we shouldn’t even be in this stretch of water.”
“But you must agree Hardy-we hate the Frenchies and Spaniards like the very devil himself.”
“I shouldn’t let the ships’ Diversity Co-ordinator hear you say that Sir.You could be up on a disciplinary.”
“Never mind all that.I’m ready for battle.”
“Don’t forget your Kevlar protective vest,Sir.”
“God, more Health & Safety?” Whatever happened to good old rum, sodomy and the lash?”
“As I explained Sir.Rum is off the menu.And there’s a total ban on corporal punishment.”
“What about Sodomy?”
“I believe homosexuality is to be encouraged,Sir.”
“In that case….kiss me Hardy.”
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