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Senior Brit hits back.
A SENIOR MOMENT ? I HOPE I HAVE THEM LIKE THIS
A 98 year old woman in the UK wrote this to her bank. The bank manager
thought it sufficiently amusing have it published in the Times. Let’s hope he
also did the right thing by his customer.
Dear Sir,
I am writing to thank you for bouncing my cheque with which I
endeavoured to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations, three
‘nanoseconds’ must have elapsed between his presenting the cheque and the
arrival in my account of the funds needed to honour it. I refer, of course, to
the automatic monthly deposit of my Pension, an arrangement, which, I admit,
has been in place for only thirty eight years. You are to be commended for
seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account £30
by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank.
My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me
to rethink my errant financial ways. I noticed that whereas I personally
attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you, I am
confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity
which your bank has become.From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with
a flesh-and-blood person. My mortgage and loan payments will therefore and
hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank by cheque,
addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you
must nominate. Be aware that it is an offence under the Postal Act for any
other person to open such an envelope. Please find attached an Application
Contact Status which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it
runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your
bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of
his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Solicitor, and the
mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and
liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.
In due course, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must
quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits
but, again, I have modelled it on the number of button presses required of me
to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As they say,
imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.Let me level the playing field
even further. When you call me, press buttons as follows:
1 ? To make an appointment to see me.
2 ? To query a missing payment.
3 ? To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
4 ? To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
5 ? To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
6 ? To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.
7 ? To leave a message on my computer (a password to access my computer is
required. A password will be communicated to you at a later date to the
Authorized Contact.)
8 ? To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through to 8.
9 ? To make a general complaint or enquiry, the contact will then be put on
hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service. While this may,
on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the
duration of the call.
Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an
establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement. May I wish
you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous New Year.
Your Humble Client
(Remember: This was written by a 98 year old woman;
DOESN’T SHE MAKE YOU PROUD!)
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Previous articles.Click on subject to download as word doc.
In the year 2017 the Lord came unto Noah
A mechanic was removing a cylinder
For the Record – amusing stories from the press
